"Look at Momma!"

I beg.

I plead.

I promise the moon.

And stars.

And this is all I get these days for pictures. . .

Jackson posing:    (yes, he froze in this position for me!)

And Clayton finding all kinds of things to keep him busy to keep from looking my way.  (Not to mention he was needing me to "look in my ear" around this time--it seems he's always got a crisis when I'm wanting him to smile for the camera).

I'm hoping the tide will turn soon, but until then I hope everyone loves non-smiling, cheek-turning views of my boys!

Noisy Mornings

Mornings before Jackson:  Clayton and I slept as long as possible without risking being late for therapy, snuggled lazily for at least thirty minutes after waking up, and we barely uttered words to each other until we were almost ready and out the door.

Mornings after Jackson:  Jackson wakes up around 4:00 crying, I run in his room to grab him before he wakes up Clayton.  He "sleeps" in our bed for the rest of the morning.  And by "sleeps" I mean he tosses and turns, talking and whining in his sleep, constantly needing his cup of milk and constantly losing it in the bed.  Around 6:00/6:30 he officially wakes up and wants to play, scream, and wrestle in the bed.  Meanwhile, Clayton's door is shut, our door is shut, and I'm doing my best to keep Jackson as quiet as possible.  Clayton only sleeps when it is stone silent and needs a lot more sleep than most kiddos his age.  It takes all my power to keep Jackson corralled in my bedroom until 7:30 or 8:00.  And if he accidentally escapes, he makes a bee-line for Clayton's door and either pushes it open or bangs loudly on it.  Poor little Clayton doesn't know how to react to such rude awakenings in the morning!  And me?  I'm still trying to figure out how I could give birth to a child who wants to live so much life before the noon hour!!

Fall Ball

Clayton's baseball league has a fall season, and since he enjoyed it so much this spring (and didn't get to finish the season because of his shunt issues), we knew we had to get him signed up.  Brian and I have already decided we like this season better--it's much more pleasant when you can sit and watch the game without sweating to death! 

I think Clayton just likes it because he always gets a couple of girls to be his buddies! 

"It's From Bill Gaither!"

As I've mentioned many times before, Clayton is obsessed with the Gaither Homecoming videos.  We watch at least one a day, and he usually talks me into a second one as well.  And while he was sick this summer, these videos were the ONLY thing that even halfway calmed him down during those terrible headaches. 

Knowing Clayton's love for the Gaithers got our music minister and family friend, Kent, working on a project.  He spent a lot of time emailing/phoning Bill Gaither's assistant trying to figure out how we could get him to Clayton for a meeting.  Well, the meeting didn't work out, but Bill did promise to send Clayton a picture.  We got it last week and Clayton LOVES it!  At least twenty times a day he reminds me "it's from Bill Gaither!"  He gets a huge grin on his face when he's telling me. 

We're still working on an actual meeting with Bill Gaither and many of his Homecoming friends, but in the meantime Clayton is tickled to death to have this hanging in his room!

Night of Praise

We enjoyed a super Night of Praise at our church this past weekend.  Brian is convinced we've got the best choir around and I'm just quite tempted to believe him!  I know I've never worked with a group like these people--it's not like we've got a bunch of choral scholars in our choir, but we've got a lot of dedicated folks who sing their hearts out every weekend!

Sing to the LORD a new song,

for he has done marvelous things;

his right hand and his holy arm

have worked salvation for him.

The LORD has made his salvation known

and revealed his righteousness to the nations.

He has remembered his love

and his faithfulness to the house of Israel;

all the ends of the earth have seen

the salvation of our God.

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth,

burst into jubilant song with music . . .

Psalm 98:1-4

You Know That Old Song?

It's by Mark Chesnutt . . .

It's too hot to fish,

It's too hot for golf . . .

Well, that was us on Saturday.  We decided we'd take a family fishing trip to the lake.  But it takes us so long to get somewhere that we ended up arriving right at midday.  And even though it's September, it's still Africa Hot here and we only lasted about an hour.  The fish were glad we showed up though--they nibbled every worm off our hooks.  We just  sat and watched them enjoy their lunch while we left without catching a single one!

The good news is apparently it wasn't too hot for a nap:

Southwest Service Dogs

So I didn't think my life was full enough, so I volunteered to be in charge of our homeschooling organization's activities and events.  (What was I thinking?!)  I had ulterior motives when I agreed--1.  I would be forced to get to know people, 2.  I could try and incorporate more activities that were "special needs" friendly.  And with that very thing in mind, I started the year out with something different than anything I had seen done in the past.  I invited Kate Morgan and Chuck Archer of Southwest Service Dogs to come do a demonstration for our group.  And low and behold, everyone loved it!  We had over 150 people there and I was going to consider it a success if 20 people showed up! 

Southwest Service Dogs trains and places dogs with adults and children who are disabled.  Kate brought two dogs with her and Chuck brought his personal dog with him.  They were absolutely beautiful and they were great with the children.  Kate let them show off many of their tricks (taking off her jacket, getting her a kleenex after she sneezed, opening the "fridge" and bringing her water, helping Chuck at the "counter" when paying for items, etc.).  It is absolutely amazing how these dogs can help a person with their daily tasks! 

Of course everyone wanted to know if we plan to get Clayton a service dog.  The honest answer is we just don't know yet.  Clayton really isn't mature enough yet to handle the responsibility (all of the dog's care and commands would have to come from him).  Your home environment also has to be just right for things to work out, and with Katie being the alpha female that she is, I don't see us having another dog in the house while she is still with us.  We're definitely leaving the option open though because we know it would give Clayton a lot of indpendence from us. 

At any rate, I was glad to start the year of activities off with a bang.  I just hope I can keep up the creativity on what we plan in the future!

Busy Week

Just checking in to let my blog readers I'm still alive!  We have a very busy week planned, so not much to blog about--YET!  I'm singing tonight, we have homeschool activities this week, and our choir is getting ready for a Night of Praise at church.  If we can get everyone ready and arrive on time to everything, I'll consider the week a success!

School's In!

Our homeschool is officially in session for the year!  I have to admit I was dreading getting started because I knew that having Jackson so active was going to be my biggest obstacle in educating Clayton this year.  Last year, it was the nursing that got in the way, and this year it's just the distraction of having Jackson so busy!  I was a little lost on the direction I should go with Clayton as well.  I wasn't totally gung-ho about following our same system as last year, but knew we needed to concentrate on letter/number identification again.  I decided to combine two things I did separately last year:  Letter of the Week and Before Five in a Row.  I'm doing a little of both and playing them off of each other.  I did a "test run" last week just to see how Jackson would do while I worked with Clayton and it was a disaster!  I was doing it our usual way--sitting with Clayton and teaching in a more conversational tone as opposed to really turning on the "teacher mode."  That just didn't work this time because the whole time we sat together, Jackson was climbing all over us and bringing us other books for us to read.  :)  I decided to change my approach to help include him more and it's made all the difference so far. 

I bought this board (I liked it because it's mobile and can be put away--essential with little hands!).  My method is I just sit in this chair with our books and materials and teach the "class" as if there were more than one (two) student.  Clayton has something to focus on, and Jackson is loving it!  He still plays off to the side and is moving constantly, but he is actually participating!  He gets excited when I praise Clayton for something and was even "repeating" the vocabulary words today!  I decided I would just totally include him after that and he got a turn at everything we did and loved every minute of it.  I think it will all turn out to Clayton's advantage at any rate--he is motivated when he sees Jackson doing something, so I'm hoping it's no different with learning activities. 

This whole method is a little too "school at home" for me, but whatever works, right?  I'm sure we'll have to tweak it every now and then, but that's the beauty of homeschooling!

15 Months + 5 Days

23 pounds, 3 ounces

31 inches long

Jackson had his fifteen month check up today.  It always seems so weird during his well-child appointments.  I'm so used to long conversations with doctors regarding our concerns about Clayton that it almost seems as if I'm forgetting something during Jackson's appointments.  Nothing to discuss, nothing majorly wrong going on--just normal life!  What a relief!!

The handout the nurse gave me for fifteen months was titled "Whirlwind of Activity."  TO SAY THE LEAST!  Jackson is soooo busy.  It's even started affecting his sleep.  He is the worst napper--I'm lucky if he stays down for 45 minutes.  And these last few nights he has been crying in his sleep and flip flopping around like crazy.  Seems like he is busy even in his dreams!

And so, at fifteen months Jackson . . .

**has more words/phrases "whatisthat?" (all one word for him).  He says both syllables of Katie's name now (the dog).  His newest phrase is "OH, MAN!"

**scribbles on paper, and scribbles with the electronic drawing things we have.

**is all about Jackson--throws lots of temper tantrums each day when not getting his way!

**loves "hiding" more than ever.  If there is a cubbyhole to sneak into, he finds it.

**tries his best to snap while calling the dog.

**tries to play with Clayton, but Clayton is having a hard time figuring it out.

**loves books, still brings them to us to "read." 

**spends all of his time in stores waving and saying hi to all the other people he sees.  It's like a parade route for him!

**is discovering his world by touching everything in it--he's determined to have this house completely investigated!!

60 Years

This weekend, we celebrated my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary.  Such a rare feat in today's society; I am blessed to have their example before me.  In fact, I find myself especially lucky to be a grandchild with all of my grandparents still living, and both sets have celebrated 60 years!

The Dichotomy of LIMBo

Bitter.

Sweet.

As a parent who has experienced a Loss in Multiple Birth (LIMBo), these words are never far from my mind.  When I think about Shawn's death, I wallow in self-pity, begging God to turn back the clock--let me hold him one more time!  let me tell him I love him just once more!  I beat my head against the wall wondering what I could have done differently to stay pregnant longer, and in turn given him a fighting chance at life.   And in spite of myself and the years that have passed, I still ask WHY?! 

And then.

And then, I look at this precious face.

How blessed I am!  How incredibly precious Clayton is to me!  This little boy is proof that modern day miracles happen.  He is proof that God heals our hurts in more than one way.  After Shawn's death, Clayton gave me a reason to get up each morning.  A reason to keep moving and breathing.  And in the years that have followed, I have needed only to look at his smile and my tears dry up.  How can I weep when his beautiful face is looking up at me?  I am blessed indeed.  

Together

I love this view of them together.

August 28

I've written and rewritten this post in my head a hundred times in this last week.  And as I sit here tonight, I'm just numb.  The tears still flow freely, even after seven years.  I pray all the time that I will "get used to it."  But in some ways I'm quite selfish about the whole thing.  I don't want to get used to it if I'm being completely honest.  I am literally scared to death of forgetting; but mostly scared to death that "getting over it" means leaving Shawn out of my life.  And I just can't leave him.  I suppose I've learned to maneuver around the pain in general, but every single day still brings small reminders that one of my sons isn't here.   

But as painful as the hurt is here on earth, I am thankful every day that I'm one day closer to a reunion with Shawn.  Oh, how I ache for that embrace!!!  There is a song I sing quite often, "I Bowed on My Knees and Cried Holy."  I practiced it for over a year before I ever performed it because it is so powerful.  And in the past couple of weeks, I've been reminded of the beginning of the second verse and the images it conjures up in my head:

And as I entered the gates of that city,

My loved ones, they all knew me well!

They took me down the streets of Heaven.

Oh, the sites were too many to tell!!

And as I sing those lines, this is what I see and hear:

As I walk into the gates of Heaven,

Shawn comes running, grabbing my hand and pulling with all of his might.

"Momma!  Momma!" he cries!

"What took you so long?!  I can't wait to show you all the neat stuff they have here!"

That is my hope.  That is my promise.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,

because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Faithful One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.  Psalm 16:9-11

All Better Now

Action Jackson is back in full force!  He has spent the last two days getting into and climbing on top of anything and everything in the house!!  I'm so glad the new antibiotic is working for him--I didn't think I could take another day of his crankiness . . . now I just have to keep my running shoes on in order to keep up with him once again!

Good Reads

Before the boys were born, I was an avid reader.  In fact, I even had a layout published about the topic way back when I actually had time to scrapbook!  I had kind of given up on the hobby until last year when I read a couple of things here and there after I rediscovered the library.  So I decided several months ago that I was going to make time for reading, even if it meant staying up late to do it.  And even though I don't plow through them fast like the old days, I've enjoyed doing this little something for myself each day.  I thought I would share a few of my favorites from this summer.  Most of these are old news to anyone who reads on a regular basis, but for those who don't, they are great stories to cut your teeth on!

Loved The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society.  I wanted to be right there in the middle of the characters when they gathered together.  The story is told in letters between the characters and the style was so refreshing.  Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet deals with the Japanese internment period and is one of those that makes you think about topics our generation rarely has to consider.

I saw Same Kind of Different as Me at the bookstore and bought it on a whim--the title really grabbed my attention.  (It actually made me think of Clayton and how we are all different in our own way, some differences are just more visible than others).  It's a beautiful true story of a relationship between two men (how often do you read something along that line?!).  It's also a tearjerker, so have a kleenex handy!

I've read a couple of homeschooling books lately, but by far the one I've enjoyed the most is I Saw the Angel in the Marble.  It's a compilation of essays written over the years by authors Chris and Ellyn Davis.  It's a good one to read if you've just begun homeschooling or need a reminder/refresher on why you chose this "ancient path" in the first place. 

Like I said, these are pretty popular titles that most "readers" have probably already read, but I just had to put a plug in for them since I enjoyed all of them so much!

Simple? Never!

It seems nothing ever goes "normal" for us.  Clayton's issues are always throwing us out of tandem with the rest of regular functioning folks, and it seems Jackson wants his share of attention these days as well.  He seemed to be getting over his bout with strep by Sunday afternoon, but yesterday I noticed a light rash all over his belly and back.  Then he literally whined all. night. long. last night.  And when he woke up this morning, I realized the rash was worse, with raised bumps.  I knew he was probably allergic to his antibiotic, but also knew he needed a few more days on one to make sure the strep was gone for good.  By the time we saw the doc this afternoon, it was all over his legs and arms.  No trouble breathing, thank the Lord, but was he ever cranky!  So instead of just getting over strep like most kids, we had to take that extra step we always seem to need instead of doing things the simple way. 

Guess the Lord just loves to watch me wrestle a cyring one-year old, a wheelchair, and all of our stuff in a crowded doctor's office!

A Night Away

This past weekend I was able to enjoy a rare night away from my family.  Our church held a ladies retreat to kick off our new Beth Moore study, Esther:  It's Tough Being a Woman.  We usually participate in district retreats with lots of women we really don't know well, so this gathering was so much more intimate (and better in my opinion!). 

I wasn't even gone 24 hours, but it sure does a Mommy well to get time away.  I enjoyed the time with my friends without the interruptions a child brings and without thinking of what Mommy task I was neglecting by having a little fun!  Now, that's not to say I didn't have some guilt----because in true form for our family, a crisis was going on at home while I was gone.  Jackson didn't feel well all last week and by Thursday was just downright sick.  On Friday morning, the doctor swabbed his throat for strep and of course it was positive.  (It's always something with us!).  So while I was "living it up" at the church retreat (read: driving to Sonic in the middle of the night for a midnight snack), Brian and my parents were nursing Jackson's 104 temperature and praying to avoid the emergency room.  Thankfully, Jackson is finally on the mend.  Brian survived taking care of him, and my parents survived Brian's version of mothering (read:  making lots of messes and obsessing over Jackson's every move). 

Here's to time with good friends, to a husband who managed without me, and to parents who are always willing to lend a hand whenever we need them!

Flashback Friday

Journaling:  This picture was taken on what I call your "Debut Sunday." We took you to church for the first time on August 8, 2004. You were finally well enough for us to show you off to everyone! The choir began the service with a special and you immediately started screaming and crying! You cried when we went up front--but you got a standing ovation and lots of tears were flowing. Everyone was so HAPPY! It was wonderful to see God's handiwork in the miracle you are.

Got Us a Gator!

Clayton is in heaven (as is Jackson for that matter).  A friend of Brian's brought this little gem over this week in honor of Clayton's birthday.  His son has outgrown it and they wanted Clayton to have it.  And since Clayton spends his fair share coveting our neighbor's John Deere mower, he was more than excited to take it off their hands!

The absolute best part is that Clayton can do it without any help (well, maybe just a little help, but who's counting?).  As long as someone puts his foot on and off the pedal and helps guide the steering every once in a while, he's good to go.  Jackson was a happy passenger too.  He jabbered on and on and smiled the whole time.  It was wonderful watching them do something together!