Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mother's Teachers

Mother's Day is a tough one for me.  And the tears have definitely flowed this week as I've reflected on my years as a mother and the lives of my babies.  However, today the tears seemed to have dried up and I'm considering how blessed I am to have such inspirational little teachers in my life.  
Shawn taught me that I can indeed survive "the worst thing."  He also taught me that life is short, and if his two week lifespan can be a witness to God's love and mercy, then what am I going to do with my many years on this earth?  It's up to me not to waste away in grief and despair, but to push forward in the hope of Heaven.

Clayton is a daily teacher of perseverance and acceptance.  He is truly one of the happiest human beings I know.  We all look and think "how horrible, he can't walk, he can't eat, etc."  But the truth is, he has taken his lot in life and learned to live to the fullest with what the Lord has given him.  We should all become better at that.  

Jackson has taught me that it wasn't my fault.  His life is proof that I can birth a typical child and that I'm not some freak of nature that can't do it right.  And even if that isn't important to anyone else, it's been a major source of healing for me.  Moreover, my daily walk with Jackson is continually teaching me that I need to reach higher and strive for holier living, because without the help of the Holy Spirit, mothering a headstrong four year old can drain and stretch me to my limit.  

I can only hope that I become a faster learner than I've sometimes been in the past.  That little bit of stubbornness I fight in Jackson seems to have come honestly.  I pray that their teaching of me evolves into me becoming better and better at setting a Christ-like example in our home.  

Friday, May 09, 2014

Triggering Event

So I don't know if I've hidden it well or not, but this whole Tornado Event on April 27th has thrown me for an emotional loop.  Which sounds so selfish when I actually say it out loud.  Here I sit in my comfortable home, my babies and husband snoozing the night away; while the victims of the tornados have no home to be in and some will never have their loved ones in the next room again.  
The shear amount of grief overtakes me when something tragic like this happens.  It's as if the scab of my own wound is ripped off once again as I'm filled with empathy for these victims.

No, I've never had all of my material things virtually wiped off the face of the earth.

But I do know the feeling that comes with Life As You've Planned It suddenly going completely off course.

The feeling of standing at the crossroads and having to decide--will this swallow me whole or will I overcome?  
The feeling of having your heart completely emptied so that it can be filled to overflowing with God Himself.  

My heart goes out to these families who have a long journey ahead.  The long journey to a "new normal."  If there even is such a thing.  Because here I am ten years out and I'm still obviously searching for a way to navigate around the pain.

But I just don't think it can be avoided sometimes.

So I find myself hitting it head on and crying the tears.


Eventually cycling back into the routines of life as the wound begins to heal over once more.