Brothers

I finished my blog post yesterday and went in the bedroom to find Clayton and Jackson sitting snug together without complaint from Clayton. (He usually gets nervous with Jackson that close). I quickly wiped my tears away and enjoyed the moment the Lord had given me with my boys.

He's On My Mind

It all started last week when Brian and I were discussing Jackson's ears. Where in the world does he get them, we wondered?? I mentioned to Brian that I remembered looking at Shawn in his coffin wondering the same thing. Why do his ears stick out? I thought to myself. So to remind Brian, I went on a search for a picture of him from straight on that would show his ears sticking out a bit like Jackson's do. But instead of finding a picture, I just got sad and ANGRY. That's my usual emotion associated with Shawn lately. It just ticks me off so bad. I have no idea what stage of grief that is and why I've migrated back to it, but I'm there. Why did he have to spend his whole little life hooked up to all that crap?!!! Why did he have to live his short days in the enclosed environment of two NICUs? Why can't I have a normal picture of him instead of a picture of all this tubing, that just happens to have a little person somewhere in there? Ugh. It makes me ill to think how unfair it is. And yes, I am aware that life isn't fair.
And then on Sunday our choir sang at a memorial service at the hospital for kids who have passed away this year from cancer. I didn't have to do it, but I wanted to. It did come with emotional consequences for me though. Brian and the boys came along and it was extremely hard not to just break down and bawl. The only reason I didn't was because of Clayton (he would have gotten scared if he had known I was crying). Brian was doing his best to keep it together as well. I had to totally avoid looking at him while we sang our song because he was back there just about to lose it--it was so, so tough.

I'm also reminded of our loss since the holidays are coming on. I often wonder if anyone else at our family gatherings realizes I see an empty chair during our meals? I guess if they didn't, they know now . . . It's like year after year, my child doesn't get to make it back home for the holidays while everyone else's is there. And now that Jackson is here, it seems even more magnified in my mind. I guess when I'm eighty I'll still be missing my baby. It's just so opposite of what nature intended. A mother is supposed to mother. How do you mother a child who's in the grave?

Flashback Friday

November 16, 2005

Clayton's first time at Wednesday night church. And in his pony walker, no less!

All Around Good Day

Today was a good day. We didn't have to get up very early and Clayton only had two hours of therapy instead of three. That meant when we got home from therapy he still had energy left to actually enjoy school and even take a ride on his bike. We all three got to eat lunch together and play and sing together. We visited with the neighbors and got some great sunshine time. It's too bad we can't have days like this everyday, but with Clayton's therapy schedule, it's just not possible to do so much since he's so tired when he gets home.

I will tell on myself though and admit that I had forgotten that his P.T. was cancelled. Jamie (O.T.) texted me to tell me she couldn't wait on me any longer, she had to leave Clayton at the front desk. Meanwhile, I was sittin' on my tushie right here at the computer thinking I had another hour before picking him up! Luckily, he loves "helping" the front desk people and they like him as well. I couldn't believe I had left him up there like a little orphan child! Thankfully, he's pretty quick to forgive his forgetful momma!

Something Had to Give

I think I'm finally getting on top of things around here. Only a mild tornado follows me around instead of a full blown F4 these days! And I think I discovered the trick last week: I pretty much ignored all the message boards I visit and all the blogs I read. Amazing how much time those two things will eat up. I sit down at the computer only wanting to spend about thirty minutes catching up, and before I know it I've been there for two hours and it's time to go get Clayton at therapy. I love keeping up with my online friends, but for now it's best that I just keep my online time to emailing, researching, and blogging for myself and Kidz. Sooner or later I'll have time to actually get caught up with everyone again!

Switching Gears

Since homeschooling is all about finding what works for your child, there's bound to be lots of tweaking--especially during your first few years. I've known for the last couple of weeks that I was going to have to do something different for Clayton because what we were doing was not working for him. I personally loved using Before Five in a Row and small unit studies on different topics, but it was all overwhelming for Clayton. He simply wasn't ready for most of the activities that went along with those studies.

So I revisited my main goals for this year. At the top of the list was letter and number recognition, especially those letters in his name and the numbers 0-5. And today I began a new approach, loosely based on Katrina Lyybert's Letter of the Week. It's very simple, and involves lots of repetition, but Clayton almost always responds and thrives on simple routines. I'm hoping this new method will help get rid of some of the distracting material for him.

And here's an update on the handwriting dilemma: I bought him a dry erase board, and he is much more willing to at least try writing on this surface. I suppose the reduced amount of friction is much easier for him. We'll be using this a lot now that we are solely focusing on letters and numbers. He's already made great progress and just look at how great he did with "D" and "H":

The only drawback is he almost always has to draw on his shirt first, and dry erase markers are not washable like his other markers . . .

Dear Santa

With the holidays fast approaching, I thought I'd give our many santas out there some ideas on gifts (since some are already asking):


For Jackson:
1.Clothes: nothing larger than 6 months, considering some of the stuff he is still wearing is newborn size! (most are 3 months--we are having a hard time with pants. if they are long enough, they are WAAAAY big in the waist!)
2. The Everything Book by Denise Fleming
3. The Napping House by Audrey Wood
4. Shopping Cart Cover
5. Any baby toy/teether (he's already chewing on everything!)
6. Pajamas with feet.

For Clayton:
1. Clothes: He wears a 5T in just about every brand right now.
2. As always, iTUNES gift card
3. Leap Frog Scribble and Write
4. Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak
5. Charlotte's Web by E.B. White
6. Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein
7. Lifelike tool set
8. Alphabet/Number Cookie Cutter Set
9. Play dough
10. Pajamas with a separate top and bottom (5T).


For Ashley:
1. iPOD (hopefully Brian is reading this!) (and yes, I'm the only person on the planet without one!!)
2. A very LARGE external hard drive or back up disc or whatever you call them! 3. 50 mm/1.4 Canon Lens
4. Scotch Thermal Laminator (This brand is supposed to be the best for the money!)
5. As the Crow Flies by Jeffery Archer
6. Gift certificate to Merle Norman


For Brian:
It's a MYSTERY! He is very hard to buy for, so if I think of it, I'll probably be getting it for him myself!

A New Gig

We've got a new music place in our town that fashions itself after the Grand Ole Opry. It's definitely not the Opry, but it's a family friendly establishment where you can go and listen to country music and even dance the two-step if you like. Charlie, the bass player from our old band, is playing down there and has been bugging me for a while to come and sing. And although I still have my hands full with Jackson, I finally made it down there for an audition last week and sang on Saturday night. They like you to be a little more glamourous than I normally go for, but I blinged it up anyway and stepped on the stage.

I sang "Cheap Whiskey" (nothing like country!) and "I Fall to Pieces." I know I enjoyed myself and I'm pretty sure everyone else enjoyed it as well. I hope they'll ask me back again!

Hiking!

Our local homeschooling group went to a state park for a picnic and a hike this past Friday. We were really just going for the picnic at first, didn't think the trails would be wheelchair friendly. But then I read on the park's website that two of the trails were paved! We were able to enjoy the woods just like the rest of the group and Clayton had a blast! His favorite thing was carrying the walkie-talkie that one of the boys had brought--he loved listening to all the talking going on. So much so that he now has his very own set here. We've had to talk on them all weekend (I have mine right here at the computer!). The great thing is since it's hard for him to push the button to talk, Brian was able to set it where all he has to do is put his mouth up to the speaker and it detects him talking and sends the message anyway--how's that for handicap accessible?!

Flashback Friday

October 1998, North Arkansas

We'd been married over a year, but we look like kids!!

Toothless Grin

Jackson was pretty excited to try his first bites of baby food. I've been trying to give him rice cereal over the last few weeks, but he hasn't really cared much about it. Sweet potatoes, on the other hand, were scarfed down when I offered them to him yesterday!

As Good As it Gets

My friend Rhonda was doing pictures last weekend, so I took the boys out to get a few shots. I should have known that with it being in the afternoon, Jackson wouldn't cooperate. But I tried anyway . . .


It didn't matter what Rhonda did behind me, Jackson WAS NOT going to smile. And of course, we had to take time out for every car that came by--Clayton (and Jackson, it seems) isn't going to miss seeing a car drive by:



I do have to say that Clayton was more than cooperative. He was all smiles because he loves his Rhonda.

But after several shots, the meltdown began--I decided to give up for this go around!

Mystery Solved

After reading yesterday's blog, my mom promptly emailed me to jog my memory. SHE is the one who gave Clayton the pumpkin outfit!! How in the world did I forget that his dear Granny had gotten it for him????? Shame on me!

Jackson looks pretty cute in it too, don't you think????

Flashback Friday

With this weekend being all about Halloween, I knew exactly what we'd flashback to this week. Clayton was so tiny, he was able to wear the same outfit for his first two Halloweens! These first pics are in the NICU (notice you can't even see the little peanut in the pic with my mom and me!). ~Oct. 2003

And these next two are the following year (2004), when he had definitely learned to bat those long lashes for the camera. =)

Still so tiny! He was over a year old and only weighed a little over 12 pounds!

We're definitely getting our use out of this outfit since Jackson will wear it as well--the crazy thing is, someone gave it to us after they had used it and I can't even remember who that person was!

On That Same Note . . .

Kristina commented on Monday's blog and left a link to a post on the same subject by Shannon, who had in turn shared a devotional from another friend. It's so on target, I had to share. (If you know the original author, let me know so credit can be given).

Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. Luke 18:1


The failure to persevere is the most common problem in prayer and intercession. We begin to pray for something, raising our petitions for a day, a week, or even a month, but then if we have not received a definite answer, we quickly give up and stop praying for it altogether.


This is a mistake with deadly consequences and is simply a trap where we begin many things but never see them completed. It leads to ruin in every area of life. People who get into the habit of starting without ever finishing form the habit of failure. And those who begin praying about something without ever praying it through to a successful conclusion form the same habit in prayer. Giving up is admitting failure and defeat. Defeat then leads to discouragement and doubt in the power of prayer, and that is fatal to the success of a person's prayer life.

People often ask, "How long should I pray? Shouldn't I come to the place where I stop praying and leave the matter in God's hands?"


The only answer is this:
Pray until what you pray for has been accomplished or until you have complete assurance in your heart that it will be (accomplished).


Only when one of these two conditions has been met is it safe to stop persisting in prayer, for prayer not only is calling upon God but it is also a battle with Satan. And because God uses our intercession as a mighty weapon of victory in the conflict, He alone must decide when it is safe to cease from petitioning. Therefore we dare not stop praying until either the answer itself has come or we receive assurance it will come.


In the first instance, we stop because we actually see the answer. In the second, we stop because we believe, and faith in our hearts is as trustworthy as the sight of our eyes, for it is "faith from God" and the "faith of God" that we have within us.


As we live a life of prayer, we will more and more come to experience and recognize this God-given assurance. We will know when to quietly rest in it or when to continue praying until we receive His answer.

And with that, let us PRAY WITHOUT CEASING!

Good Morning, Glory!

Jackson greets every morning with a smile--he is just the sweetest thing [in the mornings!] I'm definitely not a morning person, but seeing his little grin helps get me going each day. He was especially happy this morning since he got to take a snooze in Momma and Daddy's bed. =)

Accepting the Plan or Giving Up?

Our Pastors went to a prayer conference last week and came back FIRED UP for The Lord. And on Sunday, our senior pastor preached a sermon straight from his heart--a sermon that although was meant for our church as a whole, I couldn't help but think about how it applied directly to our lives. The part that got me thinking was when he spoke of "crying out to the Lord," being literally on our faces before God praying . . . I used to do that on Clayton's behalf. Used to EXPECT the miracle of complete healing. But I have to admit that as the years have passed, I've started praying for just the little things--Lord, help Clayton make it 30 minutes in his stander today. Lord, help me have the strength and energy to get Clayton in and out of the car on our errands today. Lord, please keep Clayton calm while we are in this strange place. Lord, please help his legs loosen up so we can get his diaper and pants on this morning. These prayers are so different from LORD, WIPE THE BRAIN DAMAGE AWAY! LET HIM WALK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!! Does that mean I'm accepting God's plan or does it mean I've given up?? Up until Sunday, I thought it meant accepting His will. And maybe it is, but that doesn't mean that I need to stop praying and crying out for the BIG miracle!

How can I look at my precious child and NOT plead and intercede on his behalf?!

Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. John 16:24b

Pumpkin Unit

Last week we did a unit on pumpkins in honor of the fall season being in full swing. Clayton had a pretty good week attention wise, but it was during this unit that he started answering all my questions with "Brian." What color is the pumpkin? Brian. Where's the stem? Brian. Which book do you want to read? Brian. Yeah. It was like that. And he's still doing it this week . . .

On the bookshelf:

Pumpkin Jack

The Pumpkin Runner

Is it a Fruit? Is it a Vegetable? It's a Pumpkin!

IPOD Playlist:

What Falls in the Fall? by Laurie Berkner

Online Resources:

Homeschoolshare.com

ABCTeach.com

We started the week with identifying the parts of the pumpkin. I have a decorative pumpkin that we used as a guide to make our pumpkin for Clayton's notebook. Lovely, isn't it?? =)

We read Pumpkin Jack several times over the course of the week. I used flashcards I made (ABCTeach.com) to help illustrate the life cycle of a pumpkin (I just forgot to take a pic of them). Of course, Clayton's favorite part was the end: PUMPKIN PIE!


Practice recognizing patterns:

On Thursday we talked about size and relative size. I had three pumpkins: small, medium, and large. We weighed them and also used yarn to measure their circumference. You can tell when Clayton helped me write:

Introducing graphing concepts:

On Friday, we went to the pumpkin patch with a homeschool group. It was more than just a pumpkin patch, with lots of learning activities for the kids.

And on Sunday afternoon, a new friend of Clayton's invited us down the street to carve pumpkins. (She is a 16 year old girl who goes to the same clinic as Clayton for therapy--we never realized her dad lived down the street from us. Clayton loves her because she has a chair. The whole time we were there, he could have cared less about the carving--he just wanted to touch her chair!!). Clayton's sensory issues were in full swing (the pumpkin insides made him gag A LOT), so Brian ended up doing the carving for him.

The carving is the pumpkin sneaking a peek out of the blinds. Looks pretty cool, huh?

Visitors

We see deer occasionally behind our house, but last week, the cool weather made them all a bit braver. I counted six at one time . . . they liked snacking on what was left of Brian's garden.

Checking In

I have just a few minutes to let my blog readers know that yes, I'm still alive!! It's amazing how fast the days are passing. I spent last week getting ready for a garage sale, spent Saturday having it, and then Sunday recovering plus shopping for replacements of what I sold!! I've already bought new lamps and bath rugs, still looking for hall rugs and a kitchen table. The table is at the top of the list since we are without one at the moment!

We also did get to the Pumpkin Patch on Friday and spent Sunday afternoon carving the pumpkins with a new friend of Clayton's. Pictures of both are coming soon. We're still in the middle of a rash of doctor's appointments, so it seems like I'm never at home . . . and during all of this I'm dealing with a baby who is majorly cranky in the afternoons!! Jackson's crying makes Clayton so nervous, I wish there was a way to stop it. It's almost like he's already cutting teeth! He had a bottle at the hospital today and all he did was gnaw on the nip.ple. Just like a teether. Seems like he's going through a growth spurt as well. No longer sleeping through the nights--gets up at least once to eat and no longer sleeping late--gets up early for a feeding. I'm just so thankful he doesn't wake Clayton up since they are now in the same room.

I am seriously so inefficient with my time these days. I have gotten some stuff marked off my list, but I just keep adding and adding instead of making actual headway. Oh well, such is the life of a Momma!

Flashback Friday

October 2005

We're off to the Pumpkin Patch today so it was only appropriate to flashback to Clayton's first trip to a pumpkin patch!

Wondering Where I'm At?

Well, for the most part of the last five days, I've been holding Jackson. He's been something else since last Friday afternoon. He nursed about every 1 1/2 hours over Friday and Saturday (while I was supposed to be enjoying scrapbooking time with my neighbor---YEAH, RIGHT!). I have no idea what's gotten him so cranky, but all I can do is just hold and console and hope he feels better soon. And tonight as I talked to my mom about it, she reminded me of an excerpt from a poem by Ruth Hulbert Hamilton:

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow,

For babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs,

Dust go to sleep.

I'm rocking my baby,

and babies don't keep.

Four Month Check-Up

11 pounds, 5 ounces

23 1/2 inches long

Today was Jackson's fourth month check-up. He's doing great on all accounts except for the wee little fact that he's only gained 1 ounce since his two month check-up! He has gained length, and he's proportional so I'm not worried. The doctor didn't say anything either, which I was super glad they didn't analyze the whole breastfeeding thing. Guess we will start trying some rice cereal since he's old enough now. I'm marching into foreign territory with this "real food for the baby" thing!

For Comparison's Sake

I didn't see it at first, but I'm thinking he looks a lot like me!

Making Friends

Something good happened last Friday. We went to our second gathering of homeschool kids at the local park. This was my third time around some of the mothers and I'm starting to feel really comfortable with them--they are slowly getting to know Clayton as well. As we stood there visiting, I noticed all of the boys were sitting together on the soccer field. Clayton was sitting with me as usual, but I really wanted him to start branching out and being with the boys instead of the grown ups. But I also didn't know if they would be comfortable with him. So I asked the other mothers and they talked to their boys and reminded them of Clayton's needs. The boys were more than willing to include Clayton in their group (especially since he had brought his toy truck!). They walked with me to the van to get his chair, and from then on, they were on their own! Clayton said he did NOT want me to go, so I left them to themselves. It was wonderful watching them walk around the park, playing with the truck, and actually talking to Clayton. He, of course, got bossy and started telling them which way to go!

Making friends. Participating in real play. Building independence. This is what we wanted for him last year in preschool. But instead, he got to sit with the teachers all day long while the other kids did regular kid things. His two "friends" at school were actually his teachers. Still burns me up to think about it.

It's just another confirmation that homeschooling was the right choice for us. We're moving at Clayton's pace and we're meeting people who are welcoming us with open arms, no matter what the issues are that we bring to the table.

Bumbo Baby

Jackson loves his little Bumbo seat! He usually plays Joe Cool and keeps himself cocked over to the side, just watching the world around him . . .