Wednesday, July 13, 2011

In Which I Moan and Groan and Then Snap Out of It

Yesterday morning I was not in a good place emotionally.  As usual, I had to suck it up and hide my tears from the ever present "I'm in tune to Momma's every emotion" radar of Clayton.

Sometimes I just get so annoyed with this path that God has laid out for us!  I remember a few weeks back in Sunday School, when our teacher asked us what one event would change our lives dramatically.  It is such an easy answer for me:  my life would be SOOOO different if Clayton could walk.  NOT TO MENTION how different Clayton's life would be!  And I'm not talking about running around totally healed walking--I'm just referring to the kind-of-limps-maybe-even-uses-a-walker-walking.

He is growing.  As he grows, his options for activity get slimmer.  Meanwhile, Action-Jackson is growing, and his options for activity are becoming endless!  But how in the world do I do them both justice at the same time?!  

The selfish, two-year-old part of me just wants to throw a hissy fit because we can't just jump in the car and go.  We were at a great swimming hole the other day and Jackson was practically drooling he wanted to swim so bad.  But it would have been impossible for me to handle the situation with Clayton's limitations.  It's like we're stuck.  I don't want Clayton to have to sit and watch on the sidelines, but I don't want Jackson to miss out because I'm somehow setting limitations on him because of Clayton's situation.  Brian and I are already finding ourselves separating the two [without them being aware] so that Jackson can have more freedom and Clayton doesn't have to be "left out," so to speak.  And during those times, I almost feel like a family split down the middle, or like we're cheating on them!  So CRAZY sounding, I know!

And to top it off, I always dump a huge load of Momma-guilt on myself when I find myself saying no to Clayton on something simply because it involves lifting/moving him.  My back hurts a lot these days.  If I sit in one spot too long, I'm bent over like a 100 year old woman when I creak back up!  I know it's due to seven years of holding, lifting, and constantly moving him on his every whim.  I don't regret doing any of that over the years, but these days I think a lot about the future and how long my back is going to have to "last."  To put it bluntly, my back just can't give out any time soon!  Sooo, when he asks to do something that involves moving him and I say "let's just sit here and do such-and-such" or "let's wait a little bit for that," I immediately start feeling horrible for limiting him just because I don't "feel like" getting him up and around, even though I know I should save my back for the more important movements now that he is bigger.

Momma-guilt is just such a beautiful thing . . .  NOT.  

I just stay so conflicted and confused!  Confused because I rack my brain for the perfect solution to fix these growing dichotomies.  And when I'm searching within for these answers, it's then that I'm reminded of the real answer.  It is not found within myself.  And it's not even my job to SOLVE these problems!  Our answers come from the Lord Himself!  Only He can work through these seemingly impossible situations.  I get so caught up in the little details of the story, that I forget the big picture!  It is when I LET GO, and LET GOD, the answers will come.  OR maybe they won't come . . . but if I'm letting Him do the grunt work, IT WON'T EVEN MATTER!  I must get out of the way--I must remove my worry, my fretting, my guilt, my self-pity, and come to Him as the weak, mere human that I am.  For in my weakness, He strength is revealed!   

I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:7b-10


Kristina said...

Oh, boy, I hear you on this one! Emma is still smaller, but has a thrill seeker in her and needs us to get her thrills! I kept thinking it would get easier as she gets older but it isn't - she's getting bigger!

There are always those one things we want. I recently was amazed to realize that I am totally fine if Emma never walks. I don't see it as a great quality of life thing - it's nice, but not necessary. I would love her to talk or communicate. That is a HUGE game changer in my book.

Keep up the prayers. God can make all things happen. We will continue to pray for Clayton and I hope that one day he does, indeed, take those steps we would all love him to take!

Kelli said...

Someone once told me that God brings us to the end of ourselves not to show us our weaknesses but for us to feel the power of His strength. And in that too, when we see the impossible I believe there we can find the possible. Thank you for your encouraging words, your honesty, your raw self. Man do I relate to your momma-guilt. It definitely looks different for me for sure. And now when I am in that place I will lift up a prayer for you friend. Hugs and love. One day our boys will meet, I'm still convinced of that.

Amy said...

Oh wow, I feel you on this one too! I do believe that with Christ all things are possible. I will be praying for Clayton to walk too. I realize that with every pound, it becomes harder and harder. I am in the boat there too. Emma is 7, and her physicality is very limited. Those backaches can really drag us down.

Hugs and know my prayers are with you. You are a wonderful mother. I love your honesty.

Patti H said...

I can only imagine how you are trying to juggle both boys and making sure they are both reaching the goals. I pray that Clayton will use his legs to walk too! Hugs Ashley and you are one of the best Mothers that I know. I am sure of it that you give lots of other Moms strenght and encouragement.

Karen Mills said...

Ashley, one of my greatest prayers for you is that God give you his strength in all ways, physically, spiritually, emotionally, so that you may be the momma your boys need. Now I add to that prayer that he strengthens Clayton's legs and enables him to walk.