Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Drive Time

While I'm driving.

This is when the devil likes to attack me the most.

I don't know if it's the scenery, the songs on the radio, or the stillness of the boys in the back, or maybe a combination of it all; but lately when I'm driving I find myself walking down memory lane and also having small panic attacks about Clayton's future.  What if he gets really sick again?  What if his quality of life goes to nil?  What if I outlive him?!  It's all I can do to hide the tears from Clayton who is in tune to my every emotional vibe. 

As soon as we get to where we are going, the hustle of life shakes the melancholy away and I scold myself for thinking such dark thoughts about the "what ifs."  I'm reminded of one of the video sessions that Beth Moore did for our recent Bible Study.  She talked a lot about fear and worrying about "what if this happened?"  "what if that happened?"  With the "this" and "that" being our worst fears coming to pass.  And in the end she stopped and reminded me [us] that if my worst fear did happen, you know what I would do?

I would kick.

I would scream.

I would cry out WHY?!!!!

I would shut myself off from the world.

I would be mad as hell.

But then.

I would pick myself up off the ground and


Haven't I already done it once?  I've lived through the nightmare of every parent and I'm STILL HERESTILL LIVING and STILL SURVIVING.  Through God's strength alone have I made it this far.  So I don't know why I'm spending massive amounts of energy agonizing over gloom and doom that might not even come to pass.  Why not just enjoy the fact that Clayton is doing awesome on THIS day?! And why not live THIS DAY to its maximum?! 

Lord, help me to shake the devil off my back when he finds my weakness in these moments. 

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13


Erin said...


I am so there with you, Ashley.

Patti H said...

I too go to those thoughts. I hate when I think those thoughts too. Yes we do need to enjoy the minute we are living and don't think about the what ifs