Friday, June 02, 2006

{My} Life Happened

Last weekend after reading my birthday post, my mom said that she was going to stop reading my blog because it was such a downer! I didn't think I had been that depressing, but I told her I would try to be more cheerful. But then my life happened.
We had a wonderful holiday weekend. Clayton went "swimming" with one of his little friends Saturday, I had a great birthday party with my family Sunday, and we spent Monday afternoon with our Sunday School class. I did get a little depressed Monday seeing everyone's kids running and playing while my son sat in his wheelchair, but I did my best to hold back the tears.
Tuesday morning, Clayton woke up around 5:00 crying and very whiny. This went on for a couple of hours, so I called his therapist to cancel therapy. I just knew he didn't feel well. We watched TV and fell back asleep. Around 9:30, I woke up to his monitor beeping (not unusual), but then as I sat up to look at him, I knew something wasn't right. His eyes were darting to the right and his little arm was twitching. I started shaking him because I realized that he wasn't breathing. His oxygen saturation was falling. The monitor kept blaring and blinking and I was immediately taken back to the morning Shawn died. It was a complete flashback. I could not get Clayton to breathe and I was in panic mode. I called Brian and said "I'M CALLING 911 COME HOME!" then hung up with him and called 911. This entire time, Clayton was not breathing. His saturation got as low as 26%. I was just holding him and begging him to breathe. When the firemen got to the house all they could do was put an oxygen mask in front of him and wait for him to stop seizing. By now it had been SEVERAL minutes--all I could think about is if he survives he will have severe brain damage from lack of oxygen. Brian got home in record time (I don't even want to know how fast he drove)--he immediately took charge and started suctioning Clayton. By this time he was taking small breaths and he sounded really congested. The suctioning REALLY got Clayton's attention--he hates that machine--he started crying and I knew we were okay for the moment. His eyes were still doing some crazy things, but at least he was breathing.
We rode to Arkansas Children's Hospital in the ambulance and spent the ENTIRE day in the ER. Clayton had several tests done and lots of bloodwork done. We got to our room around 9:00 that night. We were all worn out. I was just so glad to still have my baby. It was when it got quiet that night that I was able to really focus on my emotions--I realized that I was so thankful to have Clayton but I was full of ANGER about the whole situation. It seems like every time we try to be "normal" Clayton gets sick. I know no one knows the answer but I just have to scream
Ugh!!!!!!!!!! Could someone please tell me why God thought we were so strong???? Why did he think we could handle this?? I'm just a basketcase right now. I panic everytime Clayton jerks in his sleep and I'm constantly watching him--I'm back to the point that I don't even want to leave him in a room by himself long enough to just go to the bathroom. Basically, I'm back to square one--where I was when he first came home. I'm at a loss. I guess I will just sit here in my little haven of home and forget about a real life. My HEAD tells me we have been blessed, but in my HEART, I hurt.


Vicky aka KayasMama said...

I dont really know what to say other than Clayton choose to be with you because you CAN handle it. You just did. again! you are a fantastic Mama. I know those moments when the world stops and you cant move any faster than slow motion...i had one at the pools, turned for 1 second, turned back and kaya was under. I think it is a mama thing, we save our babies everyday from little and huge things and we consider having more!?!? I dare you to scrap a page for you BOM titled 'I am a hero' and journal why!

~Denise aka NYNative said...

Oh Ashley I'm so sorry. I wish I could help you in some way. Please know that my thoughts, prayers, and hugs are with you. Believe it or not, you, Brian, and Clayton are a blessing to those around you. {love & hugs} ~Denise

Nancyroo said...

I don't know how you do it. It must be soo hard. When Xane was born, he had the apnea monitor at home. I was a wreck all the time. And, I still am worried all the time, that he's going to have an asthma attack, or pneumonia again, that he'll get hurt...anyway, i think when you have a child, you just worry. and you have plenty of reasons to. But, this far, it seems like Clayton is beating the odds and he is doing really well! And I think you are handling everyhting very well too. ((Hugs)).

Oscar T. Grouch said...

Could someone please tell me why God thought we were so strong???? Why did he think we could handle this??

If you ever figure this out please let me know. I love you Ashley and hope you are a little more rested today.

Christy said...

All I can say is I have been prayin for you and your family and continue to! God doesn't make sense lots of the time. He sees something bigger than we ever will! Hang in there- sometimes we are left with only prayer- and it's the best thing.