Decompressing

Last week was emotionally heavy.  I can't even say that I'm fully out of the funk as of yet, but I am continuing on with daily life (even though most hours don't go by without me wondering "What are they doing in Heaven today?")  When I get into these melancholy moods, my first instinct is to circle the wagons and surround myself with those I'm closest too.  And while that usually includes extended family and some best friends, this weekend I went even farther than that . . . I really just wanted to spend time with my husband and babies boys.  

So that is just what I did.  We stayed around the house all day Saturday and basically decompressed from the week.  Sunday, we took off on a road trip and ended up on the top of a mountain taking pictures at sunset.  

There is no where I'd rather be than with these three guys.  

Photo Friday

". . . So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now!  This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"

2 Corinthians 5:16-17 (NLT)

Saying Goodbye

  I have been extremely blessed to have all four of my grandparents to live this long and for them to be able to stay involved in my life.  But today I say goodbye to one of them and will sing at my Maw-Maw's funeral.  It will be tough to do emotionally, but it will be a pleasure to honor her memory with my voice.  

Weep Not!

My Maw-Maw passed away on Saturday evening after a long battle with a horrible debilitating neurological disease.  She had been house bound for many years and bound to the bed for at least two years.  It was a struggle to watch her suffer, but we now rejoice in the fact that she rests with her Savior!

What a blessing the promise of Heaven is to us!  

The Fine Line of Faith

I've been struggling lately.  Struggling emotionally, that is.  I don't know if it was the prayer conference, my birthday, Jackson's birthday, or the combination of the three, but I've been stuck going in circles inside my head for at least a couple of weeks.  So many things rolling around in my mind . . . so many battles, memories, and plans undone . . . 

I'll start with one of the biggies:  

Pastor Maria Durso preached a sermon that really made me analyze this faith thing, and how it pertains to my perspective on Clayton's healing.  I *DO* believe that God could heal Clayton in an instant if he wanted.  And I have people reminding me weekly that they are still praying for Clayton to walk, and still praying for his complete healing.  And I've prayed so earnestly that one day my little boy will simply get up out of the bed and walk into my room to greet me in the morning!  But I suppose that while I believe God CAN, sometimes I think he just isn't going to.  That this is Clayton's path in life, and this is how it will be.  But then I beat myself up thinking God is just waiting for me to give up that ghost, knowing that the healing is right around the corner.  And then once I do, only then will Clayton take his first step.

Like I'm the one that's holding things up.

Mother's guilt:  it's a beautiful thing . . . 

NOT.  

Either way, I feel like I'm failing.  Believe this is God's way for Clayton, and I've given up believing in healing.  Believe he will be healed any moment, and I've failed to accept the way things are for us daily.  It's like there is this fine line in between, this tightrope that I should walk, the constant state of faith that says, "God's timing is perfect.  Each day of trial is completely in God's will.  Each moment of Clayton's physical infirmities is divinely ordained, and the moment he is relieved of them will be the exact moment he is ready for it."  Faith that says, "Whatever path God chooses, it is the perfect path for Clayton."

Easier said than done, but that doesn't mean I won't be constantly striving for this ideal.  I will still depend on those reminders each week from others that God is working, and He is working on Clayton's behalf!  

Father, may you give me the grace to accept each day as a gift from you.  Provide me with a new energy and strength to deal with the day to day stressors of having a physically disabled child.  Grant me a kingdom and eternal perspective that makes both the waiting endurable and the anticipation exciting.  We are waiting on bended knees for the great miracles You have in store for Clayton!

I pray in the Name of Jesus Christ.  

Birthday Week

Since Jackson's birthday fell during the prayer conference at church, we decided to wait until this past weekend to have his official birthday party.  This meant that he got to celebrate virtually all week.  Sunday, he ate with his cousins.  Monday, my grandparents visited with a gift.  Tuesday, our friend Janet came by with a gift, and on Thursday, some more friends came by with yet another gift.  It all rounded out with a gymnastics party on Saturday.  He had a blast despite the fact that only one guest showed up.  All the visits during the week were a consolation when considering the extremely small crowd at the party.  

For Jackson, the party was right where he was--no need for crowds of people when you can entertain yourself like this!

And we couldn't get home fast enough for him to take Clayton for a spin in his new wheels:

I'm just waiting to see what kind of trouble these two get into with a new hot rod on their hands!

Right at Home

Clayton was in his element this past weekend as our church hosted our annual prayer conference.  And as usual, he quickly attached himself to a buddy and obsessed over being with her the entire time.  For this weekend, the focus of his affection was Ms. Leisa, who is one of many of our friends who dotes on his every whim and basically helps spoil him rotten.  (Who doesn't?!)  He helped her greet guests before each session, and to say he had a blast doing this job is a gross understatement.  He LOVED anticipating the arrival of each person, from watching them drive into the parking lot, to the point of shaking their hand as they entered the building.  

Clayton is right at home in our church services and events.  And it's no wonder!  These people have nurtured, loved, and indulged his every wish as long as he has lived.  They have prayed and supported us through all the trials of his life, and they have rejoiced in his triumphs.  Clayton is smart enough to know that this congregation is full of some of his biggest fans and closest companions, both child and adult.  We are grateful for friends who have made a comfortable and welcoming atmosphere for Clayton, and we're thankful his "home away from home" is indeed God's house.

Happy Birthday to My Baby!

He may be turning three today, but in this Momma's heart, he is still considered my baby boy.  :)  

On this, his third birthday, Jackson is smarter than ever, and too clever for his own good.  He whispers "I love you, Momma" one minute, then defiantly states his independence on random tasks the next.  He worries Clayton to death by crawling into his personal space, and definitely misses Clayton if he is not around.  Jackson confidently and correctly identifies letters in all the places we see them.  He hits balls that are pitched to him, and he "plays" the keyboard, guitar, and drums.  He still spends most of his time outside riding the John Deere Gator, but is spending more and more time honing his baseball skills.  He is a big boy in almost all ways except for not being potty trained and still being in love with his sippy cup (his comfort item, to say the least).  And when he isn't showing his "me! me! me! toddler side," he is absolutely the most precious child---a pure bonus, if you will, for this Momma who was scared to death to try pregnancy again.  

Happy Birthday, dear boy . . . I pray daily that you grow into a Godly young man, and that you enjoy every positive opportunity that crosses your path.