I've been struggling lately. Struggling emotionally, that is. I don't know if it was the prayer conference, my birthday, Jackson's birthday, or the combination of the three, but I've been stuck going in circles inside my head for at least a couple of weeks. So many things rolling around in my mind . . . so many battles, memories, and plans undone . . .
I'll start with one of the biggies:
Pastor Maria Durso preached a sermon that really made me analyze this faith thing, and how it pertains to my perspective on Clayton's healing. I *DO* believe that God could heal Clayton in an instant if he wanted. And I have people reminding me weekly that they are still praying for Clayton to walk, and still praying for his complete healing. And I've prayed so earnestly that one day my little boy will simply get up out of the bed and walk into my room to greet me in the morning! But I suppose that while I believe God CAN, sometimes I think he just isn't going to. That this is Clayton's path in life, and this is how it will be. But then I beat myself up thinking God is just waiting for me to give up that ghost, knowing that the healing is right around the corner. And then once I do, only then will Clayton take his first step.
Like I'm the one that's holding things up.
Mother's guilt: it's a beautiful thing . . .
Either way, I feel like I'm failing. Believe this is God's way for Clayton, and I've given up believing in healing. Believe he will be healed any moment, and I've failed to accept the way things are for us daily. It's like there is this fine line in between, this tightrope that I should walk, the constant state of faith that says, "God's timing is perfect. Each day of trial is completely in God's will. Each moment of Clayton's physical infirmities is divinely ordained, and the moment he is relieved of them will be the exact moment he is ready for it." Faith that says, "Whatever path God chooses, it is the perfect path for Clayton."
Easier said than done, but that doesn't mean I won't be constantly striving for this ideal. I will still depend on those reminders each week from others that God is working, and He is working on Clayton's behalf!
Father, may you give me the grace to accept each day as a gift from you. Provide me with a new energy and strength to deal with the day to day stressors of having a physically disabled child. Grant me a kingdom and eternal perspective that makes both the waiting endurable and the anticipation exciting. We are waiting on bended knees for the great miracles You have in store for Clayton!
I pray in the Name of Jesus Christ.