Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Fine Line of Faith

I've been struggling lately.  Struggling emotionally, that is.  I don't know if it was the prayer conference, my birthday, Jackson's birthday, or the combination of the three, but I've been stuck going in circles inside my head for at least a couple of weeks.  So many things rolling around in my mind . . . so many battles, memories, and plans undone . . . 

I'll start with one of the biggies:  

Pastor Maria Durso preached a sermon that really made me analyze this faith thing, and how it pertains to my perspective on Clayton's healing.  I *DO* believe that God could heal Clayton in an instant if he wanted.  And I have people reminding me weekly that they are still praying for Clayton to walk, and still praying for his complete healing.  And I've prayed so earnestly that one day my little boy will simply get up out of the bed and walk into my room to greet me in the morning!  But I suppose that while I believe God CAN, sometimes I think he just isn't going to.  That this is Clayton's path in life, and this is how it will be.  But then I beat myself up thinking God is just waiting for me to give up that ghost, knowing that the healing is right around the corner.  And then once I do, only then will Clayton take his first step.

Like I'm the one that's holding things up.

Mother's guilt:  it's a beautiful thing . . . 

NOT.  

Either way, I feel like I'm failing.  Believe this is God's way for Clayton, and I've given up believing in healing.  Believe he will be healed any moment, and I've failed to accept the way things are for us daily.  It's like there is this fine line in between, this tightrope that I should walk, the constant state of faith that says, "God's timing is perfect.  Each day of trial is completely in God's will.  Each moment of Clayton's physical infirmities is divinely ordained, and the moment he is relieved of them will be the exact moment he is ready for it."  Faith that says, "Whatever path God chooses, it is the perfect path for Clayton."

Easier said than done, but that doesn't mean I won't be constantly striving for this ideal.  I will still depend on those reminders each week from others that God is working, and He is working on Clayton's behalf!  
Father, may you give me the grace to accept each day as a gift from you.  Provide me with a new energy and strength to deal with the day to day stressors of having a physically disabled child.  Grant me a kingdom and eternal perspective that makes both the waiting endurable and the anticipation exciting.  We are waiting on bended knees for the great miracles You have in store for Clayton!
I pray in the Name of Jesus Christ.  

5 comments:

Karen Mills said...

My father had a saying that has stuck with me. When I was frustrated or angry or depressed or confused, he would look over his glasses at me and say, "You know, Romans 8:28 is STILL in the Book." God is still working through ALL things for the GOOD of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose. Hang on to this scripture, Ashley, it is my lifeline some days.

Pop said...

Amen

Kristina said...

I'm right there with you. I've also noticed lately that I'm not praying as much for total healing. I want total healing so bad, but really would be completely and utterly overjoyed and grateful for Emma to talk. And it seems like my prayers are not getting answered in the timing I'd like ;-) Still praying they get answered someday soon, though.

Love the photo of Clayton!

Amy said...

I am also right there with you. "Letting patience have her perfect work..." is not so easy for me. I also believe for total healing for my Emma, but I have come to see that the healing we are getting is more like recovery--little bits at a time. I would love one big instantaneous healing, but I am happy with any progess. I have to believe that Jesus spent so much of His ministry on Earth healing that it is a top priority to Him. God's word says that "He is the same today, yesterday, and forever." Knowing that boost my confidence. I try to hold on to that, and I just keep praying that our confindence is rewarded someday. Sooner than later would be great.

I also love that photo of Clayton. He is such a beautiful boy. His eyes are so pretty.

Amy said...

By accepting that Clayton will be where he is, it does not mean that you have given up on healing. Rather, it demonstrates your faith in Him - that you know what he CAN do, but you ACCEPT what he has given you thus far.

Clayton has been such a blessing to you and those he touches; perhaps He does not grant the complete healing so that Clayton can be a true witness to all.