I've written and rewritten this post in my head a hundred times in this last week. And as I sit here tonight, I'm just numb. The tears still flow freely, even after seven years. I pray all the time that I will "get used to it." But in some ways I'm quite selfish about the whole thing. I don't want to get used to it if I'm being completely honest. I am literally scared to death of forgetting; but mostly scared to death that "getting over it" means leaving Shawn out of my life. And I just can't leave him. I suppose I've learned to maneuver around the pain in general, but every single day still brings small reminders that one of my sons isn't here.
But as painful as the hurt is here on earth, I am thankful every day that I'm one day closer to a reunion with Shawn. Oh, how I ache for that embrace!!! There is a song I sing quite often, "I Bowed on My Knees and Cried Holy." I practiced it for over a year before I ever performed it because it is so powerful. And in the past couple of weeks, I've been reminded of the beginning of the second verse and the images it conjures up in my head:
And as I entered the gates of that city,
My loved ones, they all knew me well!
They took me down the streets of Heaven.
Oh, the sites were too many to tell!!
And as I sing those lines, this is what I see and hear:
As I walk into the gates of Heaven,
Shawn comes running, grabbing my hand and pulling with all of his might.
"Momma! Momma!" he cries!
"What took you so long?! I can't wait to show you all the neat stuff they have here!"
That is my hope. That is my promise.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Faithful One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:9-11