Saturday, August 28, 2010

August 28

I've written and rewritten this post in my head a hundred times in this last week.  And as I sit here tonight, I'm just numb.  The tears still flow freely, even after seven years.  I pray all the time that I will "get used to it."  But in some ways I'm quite selfish about the whole thing.  I don't want to get used to it if I'm being completely honest.  I am literally scared to death of forgetting; but mostly scared to death that "getting over it" means leaving Shawn out of my life.  And I just can't leave him.  I suppose I've learned to maneuver around the pain in general, but every single day still brings small reminders that one of my sons isn't here.   

But as painful as the hurt is here on earth, I am thankful every day that I'm one day closer to a reunion with Shawn.  Oh, how I ache for that embrace!!!  There is a song I sing quite often, "I Bowed on My Knees and Cried Holy."  I practiced it for over a year before I ever performed it because it is so powerful.  And in the past couple of weeks, I've been reminded of the beginning of the second verse and the images it conjures up in my head:

And as I entered the gates of that city,
My loved ones, they all knew me well!
They took me down the streets of Heaven.
Oh, the sites were too many to tell!!

And as I sing those lines, this is what I see and hear:

As I walk into the gates of Heaven,
Shawn comes running, grabbing my hand and pulling with all of his might.
"Momma!  Momma!" he cries!
"What took you so long?!  I can't wait to show you all the neat stuff they have here!"

That is my hope.  That is my promise.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Faithful One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.  Psalm 16:9-11


Laura said...

Very powerful! I cry a lot it does hurt so much and it never goes away, its only been almost 3 years and everyone tells me it gets easier not yet like you I am selfish I don't want to let go! I want my Preston in my arms along side his brother. I don't know Gods plan but it must be an awesome plan a plan far greater than I can imagine! I miss my little boy just like you miss yours, I will say a pray tonight and include your family! I do love reading your blog and am so very happy CLayton is doing better I love his smile, you guys are a great family and God bless!

Tami and Bobby Sisemore Family said...

I am BAWLING big time. My heart and love and prayers go out to you. I know that will be SOME day in heaven. In a small way it brings me some peace this day as well

Patti H said...

Hugs my friend

Mamma of Many said...

Praise God for the strength he gives you daily. Truly, we can claim the promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us.

Yankee said...

More hugs.

Katy said...

A beautiful post and a true testament to your Faith. Well done, Ashley, you're a good mama to all three of your boys.