Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The View From Here


I've been going through my old videotapes this week. Only two of them were actually labeled (GASP!) and I'm trying to get my memories better organized! Clayton's been having a ball watching all of the more recent ones, but his demeanor changed when we started watching the ones of him in the NICU. In fact, I had to turn them off he got so upset . . . and after watching just those few minutes of us in the NICU and also watching some tapes of when Clayton had gotten so heavy, I couldn't help but have these thoughts:

**Watching us with Clayton in the NICU, I think one thing: NAIVE. I can remember how we felt back then. If we could just get him out of the NICU, we would be homefree!!! And now we know it was really only the prologue of the story of his life . . .


**I AM SO ANGRY about the weight gain that he had in 2006! What the heck was his doctor thinking??!!! And what the heck were we thinking???? And did everyone else think we were nuts, just didn't bother to tell us? I look at him on those tapes and he is struggling to move! How much ground did he lose in physical therapy because of all that extra weight? HOW. MUCH. GROUND???!! His breathing was labored as well. No telling how much sooner he could have come off the oxygen if only he didn't have so much weight to labor over. In fact, I told Brian not to even watch the tapes because I knew he would get upset over it.
**I don't care what you say about telepathy, our son has a definite SIXTH SENSE about things. He clues into my mood like a radar gun--if I'm upset, he's the first to know. If I'm thinking about someone I haven't thought about in a month, he asks about them. And when he sees himself on a TV screen, in an intensive care unit, he immediately gets upset. I assured him it was just pictures of Baby Clayton. He wanted no part of it! Sobbing upset, he was! And nothing horrible was happening on the screen. But he knew. Deep down, he knew.

6 comments:

Erin said...

It's interesting how vital a role psychology plays in the lives of those with disabilities. I know for me, the role is blatantly more obvious as I age in that I am able to sense the temperaments and moods of my friends and those around me. What a tender heart Clayton must have!

Stephanie said...

We didn't see the weight gain at the time, either. I assure you. I remember thinking he was chubby (but in a cute way), but I am also suprised when I look back at those pictures. I really didn't see it then like I can now when you put old pictures up. We did not think you were crazy! I do think the doctor responsible was, though. Bottom line, it's over and Clayton is in better shape now. You've never not done the best you could for him, so don't dwell on the past.

Katy said...

Well, now I'm off to investigate that weight gain thing. Really, doctors, to me, often seems obsessive about CP kids and their weight. For crying out loud, a kid like Charlie is going to be lighter than average--he doesn't even use his legs. Luckily our doctors are find with Charlie's weight, but I see so many parents getting upset about this stuff.

Patti H said...

what a post Ashley makes you think. I like how you ended he knows is right! Hugs

wsxwhx651 said...
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Cheri Pryor said...

"Bottom line, it's over and Clayton is in better shape now. You've never not done the best you could for him..."

I couldn't agree more. Your strength as a mom is amazing. You have always been a source of inspiration to me, Ashley. I think Clayton also thrives from your hopefulness, determination, and happiness over the small accomplishments. Don't sell yourself short, momma!! He sees MUCH more than frustration and sadness. ((hugs))