Just Can't Shake It

Over the last week, I've thought about Shawn for hours . . .don't know why, he's just on my mind. I think it started when I was working on a layout about him which I have yet to finish. I want all my layouts about him to be so perfect that I labor over each little element of the page. My mind just wanders. When he first died, I looked through his pictures with a smile on my face, so proud. And then I went through a long period when I couldn't look at his pictures at all. And for a while I would look at them and get so angry--angry in a jealous way. Angry that he isn't here. But now when I look at them, I'm angry for a totally different reason. I see how sick he got the day before he died. That night was horrible; he was so sick. It makes me furious that he had to suffer! Yes, those moments were wonderful for us--we were able to have some time to love him and hold him. But he was so sick. How horrible that he had to endure that!

And for those who will worry about this post, I'm not "depressed" any more than usual about it, just reflective. He just seems to occupy my thoughts a lot these days. On a happier note, I love this pic of him even though you can't see his face (most pictures we have of him he is wearing a mask for his eyes). You can see his strawberry blonde hair and the way the lights were that day made him look like a little angel. How strangely prophetic. The doctors were very optimistic about him before he got the staph infection. When they started laying him on his belly, he literally tried to crawl out of the bed a couple of times. One doctor said he was incredibly agile for a baby in his condition. We just knew he would survive and do well. Not so. And here I go again with the what ifs . . . . .