Peppers Galore!

Brian's little garden has really taken off in the past few weeks. At least in the pepper section that is! We don't have one tomato, but we've got plenty of peppers!

Pretty handy--every night, Brian walks outside to get a fresh pepper to go with his meal!

So Studious!!!

So what do you think of Clayton's new eyewear?! I think he looks quite smart!

Because Clayton was treated for ROP (Retinopathy of Prematurity), we pretty much knew he would eventually wear glasses, but I still couldn't help but get a little down when we got the prescription the other day. His eyes are so beautiful, I hated to see them get hidden behind glasses. But as I look at him in this picture, I'm reminded he's beautiful any which way he comes. The glasses are actually a little overdue because for the first couple of years his eyes weren't quite bad enough to fight him on wearing them and then the last couple of eye exams he's tried to have done in clinic have gone bad, bad, bad. The sobbing and crying was so horrible the doctor couldn't even get close to him, much less look closely into his eyes! And over a year ago (or was it two?), the eye doctor agreed to look at his eyes in the O.R. during his next Botox injections. And wouldn't you know it? It took until last month for the eye doctor to be available on the same day as the nurse who does the injections. She was available anytime, but it seems the eye doctor just couldn't fit it in his schedule . . .

The passing time never really bothered me because he's never given any indication of not being able to see. Turns out his left eye is extremely weak and his right eye has being doing most of the work. (Goes along with his entire left side being the weaker side of his body). We're hoping his left eye gets stronger and he starts seeing more "normally" by using both eyes. Clayton's had his glasses since Monday and he has done great with them so far. The doc said not to push them on him, just let him wear them as he wants. He's been great about wearing them so far, we just can't mention them or he decides to rip them off! Good thing they're the flexible kind!

Six Weeks Old

Look at this little sweetie! :) He is cuter than ever! He is starting to grin at us (and no, it isn't gas pains!!) and he's trying his best to talk with us--every once in a while he lets out a long little moan--it's adorable! He's getting great at holding his head up and he's even getting the beginning of some fat rolls on his little legs! It's such a wonder to see him grow and change!

Showing Him the Ropes

This toy was originally Clayton's and when I got it out Friday night, Clayton insisted on laying next to Jackson to show him how to play. He's definitely getting into this big brother role!

(Look at Jackson taking notes!)

Last Day!

Yesterday was Clayton's last day of preschool! It was definitely a rocky road dealing with the school, so I'm glad to have my baby "back" at home with me!! He'll still be doing all of his therapy at the clinic, but I trust his therapists since they are all about giving him every life experience possible--I'm just happy to have things back to normal . . .

Now we gear up for our first year of homeschooling! (Wish me luck!)

Fits Just Right

Well, for Clayton anyway! He was so excited to ride on his friend's kid-sized four wheeler, but it didn't exactly fit Brian!! I told him he looked like one of those circus clowns you see riding around parades! :) Gotta hand the Good Daddy Award to him for that day--couldn't have been fun riding with his knees in his face!

He Looks Like His Brother

And I don't mean Clayton. Oh, for those first 24-48 hours we oohed and aahed over how much he looked like Clayton, but I think it was only his mannerisms that were reminding us of Clayton. It didn't take long after getting him home for Brian and I to realize that he looks exactly like Shawn. (Especially when he's sleeping since Shawn only opened one eye briefly for us to see). And we aren't the only ones noticing. Friends and family alike who have seen pictures of Shawn or saw him in person recognize it right off without us even suggesting it.

I can't even describe the emotions. At first it was overwhelming sadness. And then the new round of WHY? WHY? WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE??!! Just when you think the scab on the wound is healing up nicely, something reminds you of the hurt and the scab gets ripped right off again. And it ticks me off in the worse way because sweet little Jackson will never know his oldest brother. And for that matter, I get mad all over again that Clayton won't know his own twin. And then it just got plain eerie the first morning Clayton and Jackson were sleeping in the bed next to one another. It was as if Clayton was laying next to Shawn who had never aged. Twice I've even called Jackson Shawn. It must be a totally subconscious act since I didn't even realize I was thinking of Shawn at the moment.

I've since gotten over the initial shock of it, but like my other emotions dealing with the twins, the underlying feeling is just that of bittersweetness. Blessings on one hand with heartache in the other. Blessed with another beautiful boy, heartache of missing my oldest.

I am the mother of three very special baby boys.

All Dressed Up

Jackson went to church for the first time this past Sunday. He's got some really cute dressier clothes--it's just too bad none of them fit him yet! I was so glad this one little outfit fit just right. Maybe by next week he'll have grown enough for another one!

We Tried!

Saturday I did my best to get a good shot of Clayton and Jackson on their first holiday together. I should have known it wouldn't necessarily go as planned! It's always a trick getting Clayton's picture when he's out of his chair anyway, and then you add holding Jackson into the equation and you never know what's going to happen. The other thing that was really killing the whole deal was that Clayton's friends were riding their four wheeler by as we tried to get the pictures. He was TOTALLY distracted by that! So here is what we got, even if they aren't the perfect pictures . . .

Good, but no smile and Daddy's in the picture:

Daddy's still in the picture:

Watching the four wheeler, with Daddy's arm still hanging around:

Smiles--but not for the camera, Jackson looking really worried:

Clayton's smile is perfect, but he's blocking the view of Jackson:

Big brother, checking on the little one:

You guessed it, the four wheeler is coming back by (not to mention Jackson's still pretty worried about the whole thing!)

In fact, Jackson was totally stressed out by the whole ordeal:

He's a Natural

"I WANNA HOLD JACKSON!" This is what we hear from Clayton often these days. He is making the best big brother--he showers Jackson with kisses and has even learned to "burp" him. :) We were worried he would get more than a little jealous, so I'm proud and glad that he's welcomed Jackson with open arms! (Even if Jackson gets that worried and nervous look on his face when we hand him over to Clayton!)

It's Just Too Darn Hot

Only activities worth doing: sitting in the air conditioning or sitting in the pool!

Shout Out

Waving to all his peeps!!!!

Look What Clayton Got!

We've been waiting for this bike for over a month!! It didn't take long for Clayton to figure out how to do it on his own!

(Excuse his bed head--he had just gotten up from his nap when Brian got it put together!)

Three Weeks Tommorrow

Wow! On one hand it seems like just yesterday that Jackson was born and on the other it seems like he's always been here! He is doing great--breastfeeding issues are behind us and he got an A+ on his weight check last week. I'm so glad I was able to tough it out and make it past the miserable parts of breastfeeding (it seems "they" always talk about how natural the whole process is, but it is DEFINITELY the combination of both art and science with a whole lot of teamwork thrown in!).

Jackson got his first bath in the actual bathtub this morning. He was one wiggly little guy! It's definitely going to take two people on guard for a little while to bathe him. I don't remember that with Clayton and he was just as little when he came home . . . I was just glad Jackson didn't cry--he seemed to be trying to figure things out the whole time. He saved his crying for once he was out and I was getting him dressed!

I'm still staying close to home (mainly because I'm not driving yet), but we did venture out Friday night so that Clayton could ride GoKarts. We weren't there that long, but I felt like I had been gone all day by the time we got back! It's amazing how just a little bit of activity can wear you out when you are getting over surgery. I honestly think I pushed to hard the first week because I slowed waaaaay down last week. Decided lots of things could wait while I slept with the baby!

I Guess He's Comfortable

But sleeping with your feet up like that for two hours just doesn't seem like it'd be comfy to me!

Yes, I Still Scrapbook

Did all of these before the baby came:

Journaling: Wheelchair. Feeding pump pole. Oxygen tanks. It doesn't really matter because Daddy and I will do all things possible to get you in the middle of the action. (Backyard--helping Daddy, June 2008)

And I make cards too!

He's a Keeper

Clayton must have decided that Jackson was in The Cool Kids Club because last night he wanted to take him for a ride in his chair. This is BIG--no one gets to sit or ride in the chair, so it's definitely brotherly love!

New Roles

While I was pregnant, we got a small taste of the new roles we would each play in the new family. I was forced to let go of some of the control of Clayton's care and Brian and Clayton became best buds with all the time they were now spending together. (Not a bad thing, but I couldn't help but wince as he slowly started choosing Daddy over me). And now that Jackson is here, the roles are even more defined. For the most part, Momma takes care of Jackson while Daddy tends to Clayton. And Clayton is learning to "help" be a big brother and learning to share his Momma/Daddy time with Jackson.

The only thing I hated about having a c-section--I can't do ANYTHING with Clayton because almost every activity involves lifting him in some manner. Can't even change his diaper without help. I'm simply not used to being this dependent on others, even if those people are Clayton's own Dad and grandparents! I admit it: it's all bittersweet. Clayton really doesn't care much about spending time with Momma anymore (I think he's on strike since I'm with Jackson constantly!) and I can't even talk him into sitting in my lap. As a result, I'm having Clayton withdrawals! Having Jackson makes me love Clayton that much more and I so wish he would let me show him more these days, but he is mainly in to riding in Daddy's truck, going to Granny and Pop's, and spending time with my friend Rhonda. But on the other hand, I'm spending 95% of my time with our new little bundle of joy. I'm building a new close, cuddly relationship that can only happen between a mother and son. I suppose as they both grow the balancing act will become easier, but right now it seems so, so different from "the old days." I used to be consumed with Clayton's care in both thought and action. Nowadays, I have to just think and let someone else do the actions. Meanwhile, I get the privilege of spoiling this new, sweet baby God has blessed us with!!

Settling In

Born Hungry

So if you remember this post, then you remember how important breastfeeding was going to be for me. I was determined to make it work no matter what--and I guess little Jackson decided he would test me to the limit to see just how serious I was about following through with my plan. He literally came out of the womb hungry. Everyone reported that while they worked on him in the nursery, all he did was gnaw on his hands and anything else that passed by his mouth. So when he tried breastfeeding for the first time I was excited to see he was an eager eater and had no problems latching on. I had been prepared for us to need time to learn to work as a team, but he took to it first thing. Only problem was he was way too eager!! By the next day, I couldn't bear the pain because he had done so much damage. And to put it bluntly, the lactation consultant called him a "friggin' barracuda!" (He gets that from his Daddy's side of the family). LOL!

I was doing my best to avoid a bottle until at least a couple of weeks from now, so we went home doing finger feeds (attached a tube to my finger and pushed colostrum and formula through a syringe as he sucked on my finger). That in itself was working, but a little cumbersome to say the least--felt like I was back to feeding Clayton since I was using the exact same syringes and everything we use with him! I continued to pump and it was Saturday night when I had the meltdown. I was pumping bloody milk and that's never good (anybody thinking TMI??). So I decided to take a break from even pumping and call the hospital the next day. And wouldn't you know, my milk came in that night. I was miserable by Sunday morning and of course that's the one day the lactation consultant doesn't work at the hospital. So I had to wait until Monday morning to actually talk to an "expert" and get some direction on where to go from there. Meanwhile, I was having a nervous breakdown about the whole thing. How long could I go without pumping/nursing and my milk still stick around? How long does it take before mastitis sets in? I was so frustrated because last time I had all this milk and my babies couldn't drink it, and now I have a willing baby and no way to get the milk to him! Talk about irony! But my visit with the lactation consultant Monday went really well, and since I had let my body rest for over 24 hours, when Jackson actually nursed again the pain was at least bearable. My confidence boosted, we came home with a new plan of pumping/nursing/supplementing with formula that will hopefully help the situation work itself out. My milk production is on the low side since I had such a rocky start, but I'm hoping with diligent pumping I can get it back up to enough to satisfy my baby. But in the meantime, it seems that no matter what/how much I feed the little guy, he still wants more! It's just hard to see the constant chewing on his hands and blankets and not wonder where all this milk is going I'm giving him!

Making His Way

I was originally supposed to report to the hospital last Wednesday morning at 5:00 am. And when they called Tuesday night to tell me to wait until they called me due to overcrowding in Labor and Delivery, I started getting nervous. But a nurse did call about 7:00 am and we made our way to the hospital, not even really expecting a room since they had so many babies coming. But to our surprise we were led to our room right after check-in and the action began.

The doctor started me on pitocin and broke my water soon after I arrived. All seemed to be going well and my contractions slowly started getting stronger. Around noon, the doctor showed up because of some small signs of distress the baby was showing during contractions. Nothing serious she said, just enough to make her curious. She ended up attaching a monitor directly to his head to keep a close eye on him. And from then on, it was downhill. Jackson wasn't a big fan of contractions, and he sure didn't like a probe on his head! They ended up trying to replace my water (yes, there is such a procedure) in order to give the baby some floating room if he was pressing down on his cord. And even with that and with the pitocin turned off, Jackson continued to show signs of stress during the weaker contractions that I was having on my own. All of this hub-bub happened really fast and I got REALLY emotional even faster. The doctor had already said she wasn't going to tolerate much from me and the baby before she suggested a c-section, and after just that little bit of a scare, Brian and I were all on board for a section delivery. I just couldn't bear anything going wrong, so off we went to the operating room.

And as it turns out, the decision was a great one--little Jackson had his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice and as he moved down the birth canal, things would have just gotten worse. I'm so glad we didn't wait until it was a complete emergency!

Jackson cried almost immediately and after hearing that cry, I was an absolute wreck!! I was laying on the operating table sobbing--it was such a blessing to hear my baby cry since I hadn't had that pleasure when the twins were born. I cried so much the doctor had to get on to me since she was busy trying to collect cord blood--I was shaking the whole table!!! When I realized I might mess up the cord blood banking, I sucked it up and did my best to keep the crying in check, but this momma was just so overwhelmed it was a hard feat to say the least!!!

And as far as my fears of recovery after another c-section, I have to say that this one has been MUCH, MUCH easier on me than the first. I'm still not my old self of course, but I'm getting around much easier than I thought I would be--the only bad part is I can't have ANYTHING to do with lifting Clayton and I hate it. Hopefully he won't remember and hold it against me!!

Jackson is perfect in every way. I'm so thankful God let us experience "normal" childbirth and blessed us with all these typical experiences that some might take for granted. Life is already so different, I can't wait to enjoy all the happiness this little guy is going to bring us!

Welcome Baby!!

Baby Boy #3, Jackson Elliot

6 lbs, 10 oz. 18 1/2 inches long

The last few days for our family (in pictures):

And yes, I am biased, but he is absolutely beautiful!! And I am marveling once again at the enormity of love you can feel for your child the moment you lay eyes on them--such a miracle of life this little boy is!!!

A Song from Clayton

Last night we sat on the porch and listened to Brian play the guitar. And even though it was dark, I thought I'd record a little bit of Clayton singing. So even though you can't see him, you can hear his sweet voice. These days his songs are usually about riding in the truck or "praising the God." I guess he was in a praising mood last night!