I can remember when I found out I was pregnant with Jackson. One of my main struggles was that he would never know his brother. That he would never realize what an impact Shawn had made on our lives. I was so wrong.
Daily this child speaks of his brother. It's not as if I discuss Shawn that much, it's just that when I do speak of him, I suppose it makes a giant impact on Jackson's heart. So many questions that he is trying to find answers to. And even in his own way, Jackson mourns the loss of his older brother.
Where is my brother?
Is Shawn in Heaven?
Can Shawn come down and play with me?
Will I be able to play with Shawn in Heaven?
When is Shawn going to come down?
I want Shawn to come down from Heaven!
How old is Shawn?
But how old is he in Heaven?
We will see Shawn in Heaven?
When can we go to Heaven?
I admit that these questions leave me a little baffled at times. I certainly don't know all of the ins and outs of life in Heaven and how long we will all live here on earth before joining Shawn in Heaven.
I suppose this talk of his brother who died has also influenced Jackson's proximity to death itself. He is very concerned that Brian or I will die without him. :( I hate that his little four year old mind wrestles with these worries.
I find strange comfort in some other conversations that we've had about Shawn . . . Jackson has told us repeatedly about being "in the boat with Shawn" and that Shawn wanted to hold him. He has also insisted in other instances that "Shawn wants to hold me!" I have no idea where this boat incident comes from (a dream?), but I find comfort in knowing that Jackson has somehow figured out that even from Heaven, his big brother Shawn loves him. Loves him and wants to hold him.