Tuesday, November 07, 2006

What Am I Doing Here, Lord?

Saturday night Brian and I sang some cowboy songs for my GrandMother's Sunday School party that had a western theme. One of the songs we sang had this line in it and I sit here at the hospital and it just keeps coming to my mind--WHAT AM I DOING HERE, LORD? For that matter, what am I supposed to be doing with what God has given me? I feel so lost.

I was blessed with a beautiful voice (others' words, not mine), and I vowed a long time ago that I would use it to glorify God. And just about the time that I really got into the whole singing thing, and was truly finding "my voice" (in more ways than the obvious), I had the boys and things changed. I have not been able to be an active part of my church since. I have a choir robe that has four inches of dust on it and I even had to cancel my last two special music spots. I thought maybe God was using our situation to give me yet another perspective to speak from--a deeper testimony, if you will. So when Brian and I became active in a band this past year and we were really getting into a groove, I thought I had found my outlet. Then some things happened and that whole thing literally fell apart.

And scrapbooking. I never knew how many doors it would open for me. And I certainly never knew that I would become so involved in the online scrapbooking community. I have made lifelong friends and I've been able to stay connected to the "outside" world as I stay at home with Clayton. And the Lord provided ways for me to speak through yet another voice and even testify in a quiet and subtle way. And so when I decided to go even bigger with the magazine, I really felt God opening the doors. But now I sit here and think about my son. In the whole scheme of things, what is important?????

Clayton.
Clayton.
Clayton.

And now as I pray, I hear silence from God. No direction. No strong feelings toward anything except that I must take care of Clayton because he has been put in my care. But I can't help but wonder why God would bless me with so called "talent" and an abundance of resources but not allow me outlets to use it? Will it all really go down the drain? Three years have passed and still God waits? Presently reminding myself that his timing is perfect. But my human heart is begging for answers.

7 comments:

Kelli said...

you know sometimes it's so hard to hear the voice of God in the midst of all the "outside" world. Find Time to pray and quiet your heart and remember God says no, therefore it's okay for us to do it too. We can't do everything. We just can't. IF there is anything I can do for you. PLEASE email me or call me!

I've told you before you are my hero. I really don't know how you do it. How you take care of that precious boy of yours, your husband, your faith and your scrapbooking...I love you and admire you more than these words can even explain. You are great! Remember WHY...Remember the words of Heidi Swapp last spring!!!!!!!!!! Remember God is far BIGGER and far more in control than we can ever fathom and he is working and he is there, and HE knows the bigger picture.

praying and thinking of you.
~Kelli

Oscar T. Grouch said...

Take care of Clayton, take care of yourself, for without yourself taken care of there will not be energy left to care for Clayton. My heart goes out to you.

Jen said...

Oh, Ashley...I'm praying hard for Clayton. I hadn't read your blog since last week, so I didn't know what was happening. I hope that he recovers quickly and that you can all move forward from this very soon!!!

Christy said...

Girl-- Like kel said-- sometimes it's so hard to hear his voice in the midst of our own desires, guilt, and outside perspectives. I struggle with these decissions too! God does have a plan- and he want's you to live a ful life with out wondering what if-- but believing that His plan comes with no explanation, not even always joy, but his plan comes with guarenteed love.

I am praying for you.
ck

~ RebekahBoo said...

Ashley, I just wanna share what I belive the Lord put on my heart while reading your post. It is the entire chapter of Psalm 46 but especially verse 10, "Be still and know that I am God." Your Heavenly Father knows you and your situation. He cares and He Loves YOU!!! He orchestrates things that we may not understand until years later, but we can't understand the ways of God, but He does have a plan. Praying you find direction & peace. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

Jenny said...

Maybe God wants you to use your beautiful voice to sing to your beautiful son? Maybe sing to him when he's in hospital so the other children can also hear? I don't know - just know that I'm thinking of you.

Paula Clark said...

Oh Ashley - so many questions that I feel you and only you will find the guiding path IYKWIM. Life is a big balancing act and yes you need to look after Clayton, but at the same time you need to look after yourself. If looking after yourself means having outside interests, then that is what you need to do - if you give all of your energy Clayton it's not going to benefit him or your in the long run. You will end up with resentment in some form or another and that is not good for anyone. I would say to follow your heart and do what feels best for you given your situation.

Sorry I haven't dropped in for a while, I keep forgetting that I don't get updated feeds on your blog and have to actually visit here for updates LOL.

Please take care of yourself :)