Disclaimer: This post is a selfish pity party. I will complain, I will gripe, I will vent. I simply need to let this all go so that I don't go crazy on myself. If you don't like whining, you might want to skip this post.
I am tired.
I don't even know what else to say anymore but that. I am simply tired. None of the things that I have to do as a special needs mom is especially hard, but when you add them all up, and throw in the monotony of it all, it just wears a person down after a number of years.
Anything is endurable for a season. You think to yourself, "I got this, it's only for X amount of time." But as I look into the future, I don't see relief. I see it getting harder. I see Brian and me getting older, and I see Clayton's needs increasing. And I get tired all over again.
I am tired of something as simple as jumping in the car and running to the store being an ordeal. Yes, I get jealous of the other 90% of the population who can trust their kids to get themselves into the car, buckle up, and not have to worry about loading and unloading a chair.
I am tired of looking at everything through "wheelchair eyes." I am tired of seeing stairs, obstacles, and going "around." I am tired of the separation from the rest of the group that a wheelchair forces in many situations. (And if I'm tired of it, how annoyed Clayton must be?!)
I am SICK and tired of therapy. Our entire schedule revolves around therapy, which is imperative to Clayton's well-being. BUT DANG. IT. GETS. OLD. It interrupts our school day, field trips, and a normal "homeschool" routine. Not to mention the drama that we deal with at the clinic. UGH.
I am tired of lifting. My shoulder hurts. My back hurts. I am tired of planning my steps and the logistics of things by how many times I'm going to have to lift Clayton.
I am tired of planning the logistics of shielding Clayton's bathroom issues from other people (mainly kids). The older he gets, the harder it is, and I flat out don't know how we'll be able to do it when he's 20. And there's only a select number of people who I trust to help me with that issue, and I hate to even ask most of them.
I am tired of watching other couples around us plan things for themselves, since childcare is relatively simple for them. I am tired of watching the clock if I do drop Clayton off anywhere because I know the person that does keep him can't do the above mentioned lifting and/or bathroom things for very long.
I am tired of feeling guilty for feeling tired! The moment I start getting on one of these pity parties, I immediately remind myself that life without these problems would mean life without Clayton. And I can't even bear that thought!!! I just wish I could shake this funk that I am in! I so wish God would show me something that reminds me that He is working it out. My mind knows He is, but my heart simply isn't feeling it right now.