One of Those Days

When you simply ask "WHY MY CHILD, LORD!?" Clayton was scheduled for dental work in the O.R. this morning. Has to be done that way since he won't let the dentist near his mouth for any good length of time. Brian's been snowed under, so I left Jackson with my mom and took Clayton to the hospital by myself. As soon as we sat down in the waiting room the crying started. Slow at first, then all out screaming and sobbing. I held him, I rocked him, I sang to him, we called Daddy, nothing worked. And to make matters worse, the waiting room was packed with crazies that seem to come out of the woodwork at that hospital. He literally cried and screamed for two hours straight. "DADDY, DADDY, DADDY!!!" "NO!" I felt so horrible. I just wanted to break down and cry myself! And I would've if it wouldn't have upset him more . . . He just kept saying "I want to get in the van!" And all I could do was say I wanted to get in the van too!!! A well-meaning nurse said "oh, is he having a bad morning?" I was like, "um, he was having a fine and dandy morning until we showed up at this place!" Don't they understand that he's sick and tired and SCARED of all the crap he has to go through!!?? His anxiety goes through the roof in pre-op and all I can do is watch him wheel off to the O.R. helpless. Over and over again we have to do this and it's not getting easier. Getting extremely harder in fact. But what do you do?????????????

Made it to the Lake

We made it to the lake this weekend, but it turned out to be a bust--the weather was cloudy, then rainy and the water was COLD!! We took some new friends and of course Clayton spent most of his time flirting with the teenage girl!!

12 Years!

We've been gone all day, but I couldn't let the day end without saying a Happy Anniversary to my hubby!

(flashback to November 1998!)

Another Pair

Clayton got his second pair of glasses yesterday. I'm thinking these frames fit his face a little better, although I like the actual shape of the other ones he's been wearing. The guy that helped us this time was a little more on top of things--he took both pair and shortened the ear thingies so they wouldn't hit the back of Clayton's chair constantly and move down his nose. I think we're all set to go on the glasses now!

Bike Ridin' Fool!

Clayton rides his bike almost every single day! He absolutely loves it and it's given him a whole new sense of freedom. He is getting great at propelling himself, but the steering is still an issue. He mainly goes in circles if you let him loose since his right hand is the stronger hand (we have to beg him to use that left hand). And even though he isn't great at going in a straight line, he has figured out what he likes most--driving in the grass! He can't drive straight down the road, but he can always figure out how to steer into someone's yard! Loves putting it in four wheel drive, I guess . . .

And he even managed to drive right into Jackson--good thing Jackson just slept right through it!

I ♥ Faces: Feet!

This week's theme over at I Heart Faces is FEET! A total change from all the pretty faces we see on their site!! My entry is a pic of Clayton's foot from just over a year ago. I used the photo on a layout for a contest on a scrapbooking website. I think I've posted it here before, but I'll post it here again today for those who missed it the first time around.

Check out the other entries at http://www.iheartfaces.blogspot.com/!

Journaling: Clayton's little feet went through so much during his NICU days. Any blood that was needed came from pricking his feet. And during his sickest times, that sometimes meant up to four pricks an hour. ALL DAY LONG! It's no wonder his little feet are so sensitive!

Peppers Galore!

Brian's little garden has really taken off in the past few weeks. At least in the pepper section that is! We don't have one tomato, but we've got plenty of peppers!

Pretty handy--every night, Brian walks outside to get a fresh pepper to go with his meal!

So Studious!!!

So what do you think of Clayton's new eyewear?! I think he looks quite smart!

Because Clayton was treated for ROP (Retinopathy of Prematurity), we pretty much knew he would eventually wear glasses, but I still couldn't help but get a little down when we got the prescription the other day. His eyes are so beautiful, I hated to see them get hidden behind glasses. But as I look at him in this picture, I'm reminded he's beautiful any which way he comes. The glasses are actually a little overdue because for the first couple of years his eyes weren't quite bad enough to fight him on wearing them and then the last couple of eye exams he's tried to have done in clinic have gone bad, bad, bad. The sobbing and crying was so horrible the doctor couldn't even get close to him, much less look closely into his eyes! And over a year ago (or was it two?), the eye doctor agreed to look at his eyes in the O.R. during his next Botox injections. And wouldn't you know it? It took until last month for the eye doctor to be available on the same day as the nurse who does the injections. She was available anytime, but it seems the eye doctor just couldn't fit it in his schedule . . .

The passing time never really bothered me because he's never given any indication of not being able to see. Turns out his left eye is extremely weak and his right eye has being doing most of the work. (Goes along with his entire left side being the weaker side of his body). We're hoping his left eye gets stronger and he starts seeing more "normally" by using both eyes. Clayton's had his glasses since Monday and he has done great with them so far. The doc said not to push them on him, just let him wear them as he wants. He's been great about wearing them so far, we just can't mention them or he decides to rip them off! Good thing they're the flexible kind!

Six Weeks Old

Look at this little sweetie! :) He is cuter than ever! He is starting to grin at us (and no, it isn't gas pains!!) and he's trying his best to talk with us--every once in a while he lets out a long little moan--it's adorable! He's getting great at holding his head up and he's even getting the beginning of some fat rolls on his little legs! It's such a wonder to see him grow and change!

Showing Him the Ropes

This toy was originally Clayton's and when I got it out Friday night, Clayton insisted on laying next to Jackson to show him how to play. He's definitely getting into this big brother role!

(Look at Jackson taking notes!)

Last Day!

Yesterday was Clayton's last day of preschool! It was definitely a rocky road dealing with the school, so I'm glad to have my baby "back" at home with me!! He'll still be doing all of his therapy at the clinic, but I trust his therapists since they are all about giving him every life experience possible--I'm just happy to have things back to normal . . .

Now we gear up for our first year of homeschooling! (Wish me luck!)

Fits Just Right

Well, for Clayton anyway! He was so excited to ride on his friend's kid-sized four wheeler, but it didn't exactly fit Brian!! I told him he looked like one of those circus clowns you see riding around parades! :) Gotta hand the Good Daddy Award to him for that day--couldn't have been fun riding with his knees in his face!

He Looks Like His Brother

And I don't mean Clayton. Oh, for those first 24-48 hours we oohed and aahed over how much he looked like Clayton, but I think it was only his mannerisms that were reminding us of Clayton. It didn't take long after getting him home for Brian and I to realize that he looks exactly like Shawn. (Especially when he's sleeping since Shawn only opened one eye briefly for us to see). And we aren't the only ones noticing. Friends and family alike who have seen pictures of Shawn or saw him in person recognize it right off without us even suggesting it.

I can't even describe the emotions. At first it was overwhelming sadness. And then the new round of WHY? WHY? WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE??!! Just when you think the scab on the wound is healing up nicely, something reminds you of the hurt and the scab gets ripped right off again. And it ticks me off in the worse way because sweet little Jackson will never know his oldest brother. And for that matter, I get mad all over again that Clayton won't know his own twin. And then it just got plain eerie the first morning Clayton and Jackson were sleeping in the bed next to one another. It was as if Clayton was laying next to Shawn who had never aged. Twice I've even called Jackson Shawn. It must be a totally subconscious act since I didn't even realize I was thinking of Shawn at the moment.

I've since gotten over the initial shock of it, but like my other emotions dealing with the twins, the underlying feeling is just that of bittersweetness. Blessings on one hand with heartache in the other. Blessed with another beautiful boy, heartache of missing my oldest.

I am the mother of three very special baby boys.

All Dressed Up

Jackson went to church for the first time this past Sunday. He's got some really cute dressier clothes--it's just too bad none of them fit him yet! I was so glad this one little outfit fit just right. Maybe by next week he'll have grown enough for another one!

We Tried!

Saturday I did my best to get a good shot of Clayton and Jackson on their first holiday together. I should have known it wouldn't necessarily go as planned! It's always a trick getting Clayton's picture when he's out of his chair anyway, and then you add holding Jackson into the equation and you never know what's going to happen. The other thing that was really killing the whole deal was that Clayton's friends were riding their four wheeler by as we tried to get the pictures. He was TOTALLY distracted by that! So here is what we got, even if they aren't the perfect pictures . . .

Good, but no smile and Daddy's in the picture:

Daddy's still in the picture:

Watching the four wheeler, with Daddy's arm still hanging around:

Smiles--but not for the camera, Jackson looking really worried:

Clayton's smile is perfect, but he's blocking the view of Jackson:

Big brother, checking on the little one:

You guessed it, the four wheeler is coming back by (not to mention Jackson's still pretty worried about the whole thing!)

In fact, Jackson was totally stressed out by the whole ordeal:

He's a Natural

"I WANNA HOLD JACKSON!" This is what we hear from Clayton often these days. He is making the best big brother--he showers Jackson with kisses and has even learned to "burp" him. :) We were worried he would get more than a little jealous, so I'm proud and glad that he's welcomed Jackson with open arms! (Even if Jackson gets that worried and nervous look on his face when we hand him over to Clayton!)